you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
The air was thick with penises
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
