He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Randomize
