I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
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