it wasn't lemon gatorade
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
