Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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