THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Found the puke drawer
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
