the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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