Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
