gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
Randomize
