i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
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