Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
