Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
