I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
