Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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