My sheets look like a crime scene.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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