before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
