I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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