he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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