First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
