Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
