she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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