mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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