Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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