I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
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