Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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