god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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