You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
