good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
