I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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