No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
