i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
