The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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