I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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