Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
