my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
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