so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
