i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Well we went from the roof to the stairwell to an air mattres. One day were going to fuck in a bed
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
