I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I love how my cats smell like pot.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
