I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
