I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
