Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
