why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
