Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
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