Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
it glows. i had to have it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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