So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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