I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
