I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
