Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Randomize
