my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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