I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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