I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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