I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
